I think I may have tried harder at this than anything else in my life, even playing the piano. I tried not to influence him too much, but also tried to introduce him to things that I knew he would like. I tried not to go too far one way or the other, tried to not keep things from him but also not overwhelm him. There was no end to my trying but it’s okay because Oliver is here, and he’s worth all of it.

“I really tried not to use it,” I tell him, squeezing hard at his hand and then sniffling delicately, giving him a watery chuckle. “Sometimes we’d have the same fights, but I was never quite sure they’d end the same. There were so many different choices you could have made and I didn’t want to take it for granted. I didn’t assume you’d always go the same way.”

I shuffle a bit closer to him, reaching up with my other hand to touch my fingertips to his chin. “You still surprise me all the time, pesca.”