For Elio

Sep. 25th, 2023 09:43 pm
latermaybe: (Default)
[personal profile] latermaybe
As summer drew to a close, the new semester gearing up and the anniversary of my third year in Darrow approaching, I couldn't help but think back on my conversation with Sihyun at Pride. My reaction to the news of his engagement has nagged at the back of my mind since the Spring. Even more so, I was rattled by my later admission that the planning of a wedding, and the stress and attention it would bring, was something I instinctively shrank from.

It made me quiet and contemplative, and while I could hide such things in the first weeks of the semester, I knew now that Elio would've noticed.

So, tonight, I made tea. I bought a box of pastries we both liked. Our dinner was small, intimate, as it usually was. Comfortable. Content. I was happy, and making a change felt unwise, but I knew we were both waiting for the other to do something. Say something.

And it needed to be me.

Date: 2023-09-26 05:57 am (UTC)
speakordie: (listening)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
I give Oliver time.

It’s all I’ve tried to do since he came back. Repeatedly, I stamp down on my impatient urges and my own neediness, and I give him time while still being there, ready for him.

The semester starts and Oliver gets quieter, more thoughtful, and for a while I simply chalk it up to him being back at the university. I am dealing with my own ennui, after all. Having all my evenings free isn’t something that I’ve ever dealt with in Darrow, and it’s strange to suddenly have so much unscheduled time. I miss Keynote sometimes, but I know that I made the right choice. Besides, I know that I’m welcome to pop in any time, and they’ll always make space for me there.

Eventually, I get the sense that whatever is troubling Oliver goes beyond simply starting up school again. He doesn’t seem upset, really, so I try to give him space to work through it. I give him time, but I am getting close to asking him about it.

After dinner, Oliver brings our tea and pastries and I am distracted immediately by a sticky bun, tearing it apart and licking my fingers in a way that Mafalda would have smacked my hand for.

“How did you know that I was craving one of these?” I ask him, cheeks hollowing around the tip of my thumb to clean it before reaching for my tea.

Date: 2023-09-29 04:05 am (UTC)
speakordie: (watching you)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
He wipes something from my cheek and I turn my head to lick at his thumb, teeth gnashing playfully near the digit. It’s been such a nice evening that I’ve never forgotten about the slight tension that’s been lingering, or the fact that it’s felt like something is being left unsaid.

So, when Oliver says that we need to talk, it takes me a little by surprise. I pause with a chunk of pastry halfway to my mouth, then lower it and turn my head to look at him. Anxiety flushes through me even though he doesn’t really look upset. They’re still scary words to hear

“Oh yeah?” I ask, trying to sound casual as I set the rest of my sticky bun in the box and pick up my tea instead, curling my hands around the warm mug as I meet his eye. “What about?”

Date: 2023-10-02 03:23 am (UTC)
speakordie: (ambivalent (b&w))
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“Oh.” I nod a little after he’s finished, brows furrowed slightly as I take a moment to process it all. It’s not exactly surprising that the topic has come up, but I can’t help to feel a bit of disappointed that he’s bringing it up like this rather than just asking the question that he knows that I’ll say yes to. He has to know, right?

My cheeks feel hot and I swallow hard, then take a sip of tea before leaning forward to set the cup on the table.

“Signing those divorce papers was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do,” I tell him, and then hold up a hand before he can say anything. “I understand why it had to be done. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have. I just—“

I take a steadying breath and twist a little, bringing one leg up onto the sofa so I can face him. “I guess I just thought that after everything, it wouldn’t really be fair of me to ask you. It’d be too much.”

Date: 2023-10-04 02:00 am (UTC)
speakordie: (b&w looking up)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
I never thought it was easy for him, but I’m sure he knows that. It was hard for both of us, maybe in different ways, but it was torture. Once I was away from him that day, I cried and cried until I couldn’t breathe and all I wanted was him.

But it was the right thing to do, I think. Like my mother snipping withered branches from her peach trees, cutting out rot so something new and healthy could grow. And it’s done just that.

My eyes well up as Oliver speaks but I do my best to maintain my composure, lower lip wobbling slightly as I reach out to put my hand on his shoulder.

“I— I thought I was doing the right thing. I’ve tried so hard to do the right thing but how could I possibly know—“ I cut myself off and take a breath, closing my eyes for a moment while squeezing his knee.

“I didn’t think about it like that,” I admit, biting my lip as I stare at him. “Whenever I thought about asking, and I have, I would worry that you’d feel pressured, or like you’d have to say yes to make me happy, and I’d always wonder. I worry about a lot of things, Oliver, but I never worry about you being him, because you already are. And he was you.”

Date: 2023-10-06 06:13 am (UTC)
speakordie: (drama)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
I think I may have tried harder at this than anything else in my life, even playing the piano. I tried not to influence him too much, but also tried to introduce him to things that I knew he would like. I tried not to go too far one way or the other, tried to not keep things from him but also not overwhelm him. There was no end to my trying but it’s okay because Oliver is here, and he’s worth all of it.

“I really tried not to use it,” I tell him, squeezing hard at his hand and then sniffling delicately, giving him a watery chuckle. “Sometimes we’d have the same fights, but I was never quite sure they’d end the same. There were so many different choices you could have made and I didn’t want to take it for granted. I didn’t assume you’d always go the same way.”

I shuffle a bit closer to him, reaching up with my other hand to touch my fingertips to his chin. “You still surprise me all the time, pesca.”

Date: 2023-10-07 06:37 am (UTC)
speakordie: (hand in hair (b&w))
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“I could never find you boring. You ensnared me from the first moment I saw you,” I assure him with a small smile. “And every first time after that.”

Oliver touches my ring finger, the place where a tan line seemed to stubbornly linger for so long, and my chin wobbles so hard that I have to bite my lip to stop it. I keep it between my teeth and stare at him as he speaks, nodding along as I feel tears spring to my eyes. My brows knit for a moment because he makes it sound so unescapable, like something he’ll never stop running from. But then, because he knows me, he soothes my worry. Some of it, anyway.

“There’s a lot of room being accepting something and celebrating it,” I say after a moment, giving him an understanding smile. A tear spills down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away, sniffling as I shuffle closer to you. “I wish you could love yourself as much as I love you. See yourself through my eyes, if even for just a moment.”

Date: 2023-10-08 02:54 am (UTC)
speakordie: (Default)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“Oh, don’t go there,” I say when he brings up the possibility of there being more times that neither of us remember, but it’s mostly teasing. When he starts to speak, I pull back enough to watch his face, staring into his crystalline blue eyes made even brighter by the threat of tears. He’s so beautiful that it’s hard to believe that he’s even real, but he is. And he’s mine.

“I want those things, too,” I assure him, nodding along and reaching up to touch his cheek, fingers carding through the soft hair at his temple. “You’re right, Oliver. We can try to live safely or we can live in defiance of our fears.”

My thumb touches the soft corner of his mouth, trailing along his bottom lip, and I give him a shaky smile and meet his eye. “I know how hard it is to marry you and lose you, but I still want to do it again. I want whatever you’ll give me, Oliver, as long as you want it, too.”

Date: 2023-10-09 12:05 am (UTC)
speakordie: (stefan)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“I’ll take all of it, then.” His eyes close and I stay quiet, watching him as his holds his lips against the sensitive skin of my palm. He seems to be thinking so I give him time to do so, only to blink in confusion and furrow my brow as he suddenly stands and walks into our bedroom. I wonder if I should follow him or leave him be, but I don’t have time to make a decision before he’s returning with an unmistakable velvet box.

He sinks to his knees in front of me and my pulse rockets, eyes widening as I lift a hand to cover my mouth. The ring is gorgeous, delicate and sparkling, but as much as I like pretty things, I’d wear a piece of twine if it meant that I got to have him.

His words make me chuckle and I shake my head as I drop my hand from my mouth, eyes brimmed with tears as I look from the ring to his face.

“You just have to ask the question,” I tell him as I shift forward until I’m sitting on the edge of the sofa, reaching out to touch the side of his face. “Ask me so I can answer you.”

Date: 2023-10-09 12:06 am (UTC)
speakordie: (stefan)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“I’ll take all of it, then.” His eyes close and I stay quiet, watching him as his holds his lips against the sensitive skin of my palm. He seems to be thinking so I give him time to do so, only to blink in confusion and furrow my brow as he suddenly stands and walks into our bedroom. I wonder if I should follow him or leave him be, but I don’t have time to make a decision before he’s returning with an unmistakable velvet box.

He sinks to his knees in front of me and my pulse rockets, eyes widening as I lift a hand to cover my mouth. The ring is gorgeous, delicate and sparkling, but as much as I like pretty things, I’d wear a piece of twine if it meant that I got to have him.

His words make me chuckle and I shake my head as I drop my hand from my mouth, eyes brimmed with tears as I look from the ring to his face.

“You just have to ask the question, pesca,” I tell him as I shift forward until I’m sitting on the edge of the sofa, reaching out to touch the side of his face. “Ask me so I can answer you.”

Date: 2023-10-09 11:02 pm (UTC)
speakordie: (small smirk)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
More and more in recent months, I’ve been thinking about marriage and how badly I want it, but I didn’t realize just how much until Oliver says the words and I exhale in a rush of euphoric relief. It’s like a weight has been lifted and words fail me for a moment, mouth working uselessly before I nod vigorously at him.

“Yes,” I finally say, blinking away a set of tears as I watch him slide the ring onto my finger. Oliver may have been worried about me making comparisons but I don’t, not even a little. It’s a moment that feels brand new, and as soon as the ring is on my finger, I suddenly surge forward and throw my arms around him, tackling him excitedly to the floor. “Yes, obviously.”

Date: 2023-10-10 03:25 pm (UTC)
speakordie: (Default)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“Right. Can’t break it before I buy it,” I tease, reaching up to cradle the back of his head as we settle together on the floor. He covers my face with kisses and I blink away another set of tears before catching his mouth in a slow, lingering kiss.

“I’d marry you today,” I say between kisses, feeling nearly overwhelmed by my happiness. I wasn’t expecting this today, but like I said— Oliver still finds ways to surprise me after all this time. “I’ll marry you however you want.”

Date: 2023-10-11 06:36 pm (UTC)
speakordie: (big grin)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
It’s different than last time in a lot of ways, but I like that. I like his idea, too. A big reception would be nice but I like the idea of the ceremony being just the two of us.

“I am definitely okay with that,” I assure him, smiling serenely as his fingers drag back my hair. Oliver looks happy, and that means the world to me. I want so badly for him to be happy. “Ceremony for us, and party after. I want to show off my husband.”

Date: 2023-10-13 02:56 am (UTC)
speakordie: (Default)
From: [personal profile] speakordie
“Oh, shut up,” I reply with a laugh, grinning ear to ear down at him as I settle down on top of him, my ass resting comfortably in the cradle of his thighs.

“You’re my muse. That music wouldn’t exist without you,” I tell him. I would have wound up as a musician whether or not I met him, I’m sure, but I wouldn’t be making music like I’m making now. I know that much. “I’ll have to write us a song for the wedding.”

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latermaybe: (Default)
Oliver

December 2024

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